6 months on...

It's been nearly six months since I took one giant leap back into education and I bloody well love it! Well the studying part at least but I'm not about to go there. I've learnt so much in just a short space of time and things i'd never though about before. I already know that I am doing my 3rd year and as desperate as I am to get back into the big wide world of work, I kind of need this . I'm still at the hotel, never really planned to stay more than a year but once you get comfortable and its reliable work (most of the time). I have however taken on a wedding venue position just to help out at weddings and get more experience for my c.v and looking at work experience for the summer holidays. Just wish I was a bit more organised with life in general. I probably wouldn't get so stressed out but I like to keep busy it stops me from thinking. I'm aiming for a 2:1 in my degree which is attainable but can't say I'm not pushing for a 1st.

University is in my sight!

No more excuses! My university application was completed and sent off in January and I applied for the following courses: 1. University of Winchester - Event Management and Media Studies (Offer - 100 ucas points) 2. University of Chichester - Event Management 3. Chichester College - Event and Hospitality Management (Offer - Interview) 4. Farnborough Tech - Event Management 5. Southampton Solent University (Offer - 240 ucas points) To get an offer from my top choice made my week and getting B although a challenge isn't impossible if I revise my arse off for the next few months. I'm retaking my AS level and taking my A2 in June as missed the January 2013 exams. Still need to finish my hospitality course which hopefully will help somewhere although Winchester weren't bothered about it. But things are finally moving, I've even applied for my student loan so everything is covered. It's actually a really exciting time although opening my a level results in August will be almost unbearable. 7 months time seems like a long time away but I'm hoping it will come before I know it. I just want to know...

Working on personal statement...

My original ucas personal statement wasn't actually that bad. Needs a bit of improvement here and there but the whole point is there. Will be working in it tomorrow. Hoping to get it finished this week!

Things have moved on but not yet up!

After three and a half years I made the decision to leave Testo. It wasn't easy, I'd been debating it and stressing myself out for months. I started working at the Ramada Farnham hotel back in October 2011 as a way of making some extra money to help with our growing bills and over time was working 60 hours a week. I was never seeing my kids and poor Nick probably forgot what I looked like so I made the decision that despite loving my colleagues I just wasn't fussed about the job. I felt like Thomas was being put in nursery so I could work and it didn't make sense and I had to cancel two of his appointments because of work and that's when I realised that he should be my priority. I left at the end of July and we're all alot happier. I stayed at the hotel but its not exactly turning out how I hoped. Everyone is moving on and while I know my plans for the next year, 12 months sounds like an eternity next to them. My study so far: GCSE English Language retake - A* A Level Sociology - AS taken and graded U so retaking in January A2 to be sat in June 2013. BTEC Hospitality Level 3 - Pass or fail to be confirmed May 2013. Decided against retaking my GCSE Maths, I retook it once and got a D so don't see much point of taking it again. Hoping university will let me in without it if not will obviously have to think again. Plans for next 12 months and beyond. Work hard, pay off my debt and put some money towards are next house. Have a little but only about £5k need about £20k. Hoping to get some work experience in and looking to start university (finally I hear you say). I have three choices. 1. University of Winchester - Event management with Media studies 2. University of Chichester - Event Management with marketing 3. Chichester College - Event and hospitality management (foundation degree) Obviously continuing on to University of Chichester for full degree. I want a 1st too. I don't do things by halves. I want to prove that mothers can do these things. For the last year I've been working full time hours, studying three courses and looking after my children if thats not hard work I don't know what is! Getting my A* in English though made me realise what I'm capable of because I nearly actually cried. To be told that I was unlikely to be graded higher than a C and then get an A* was totally out of this world! I know I don't have to go to university for a career in events, but I want one. I've always wanted one I just never had the confidence or even knew whether I whole heartedly wanted to study media but over the last 10 years especially I've come to realise that I just don't want to work in event management, I want to have an amazing career and a family. Cos I do want both and I know its possible, whether that be when my children are 18 or 8, it will happen.

Got my first sociology assignment graded and got 90%!!! Yes I got 50 marks out of 60! I was totally blown away considering it was my first assignment! Now moving on to the next assignment which I want to be equally as good! Go me! hehehe

Marketing Administrator to Customer Service Administrator overnight!!!

Having really no choice but to return to work due to yet more financial hardship its probably not surprising that I have been shafted by yet another company. Overnight I lost the best job I've ever had and had to resign yet again to Customer Services. I'm not sure where I go wrong to be honest, I'm a hard working honest person but yet the moment things are in my grasp they seem to slip away. I don't ask for much but it appears currently I'm not able to have everything, I can't have a career and have a family. It appeared that the decision was made for me that if I wanted to continue helping to support my family that I would have to sacrifice my perfect job for it. But I'm slightly confused other women have been able to hold their jobs. Caroline came back after a year and although she had to change roles she was still able to work part time and if anything she cut her hours down and if you ask me she is doing a role that should actually be full time.

I guess I can understand Alison's reasons for declining me returning part time but it wasn't even discussed in my persistence. I still believe that I could support the department the way I did but over a shorter time but its like they couldn't even consider it and all I'm told is that its extremely busy in the department. I can't keep moaning about it but at the moment my job satisfaction is about -10.

My new role is simple, logical and apart from the odd moaner pretty easy to deal with. I'm glad I'm not dealing with incoming calls, not my cup of tea at all but I can see myself getting stuck with inbound calls as well eventually. Its hard a decision, I feel exactly like I knew I would. I haven't moved forward in my career, if anything I've moved backwards. I guess at present I just feel a little disheartened and like I've let myself down. It sounds stupid as obviously my children have to come first, especially while they are sooooo young but should I be feeling like I'm being punished.

It was hard seeing Nikki (the new marketing administrator) sitting in my place, doing my job but I've come to accept that its the way things have to be. I guess over time things will happen. It made me realise that I need to take charge of my future and need to start working towards my degree. I've started my GCSE English and I'm still studying for my A Level in Sociology. I'm looking into Access courses but I'm not sure if I'm doing it this year or next year. It depends on how I feel about work come September time!

I guess for the time being I have to lump as the saying goes but it doesn't mean I have to like it! If it wasn't for the location, the flexibility and the people I work with I wouldn't have returned at all!

It's that moment in my life again when I realise that certain things don't matter anymore. I know that I never got to work on the Harry Potter movies and while that sucks and is probably something I will never come to terms with, its not exactly the end of the world and I will have other opportunites to work at my dreams. I was thinking back to when I was a teenager and the passion I had for music, I remember wanting to be the next Simon Cowell and that was before he was famous and before the likes of Pop Idol etc but I'd heard of him because he had a reputation of getting things done and had signed some of the best artists of the 90's.

I wanted to work for a record company and that was it, I think I even had a work experience application for Sony, even back then but I knew then that it was above me and as I got older the film industry obsession kicked in but lately I've realised that it would be nice to find a job that combined all three of my passions. 'Music, Events and Television' and have considered that mayeb music promotions is the way to go but I'd have to return to university which is what I want to do anyway and I'm hoping that I can get work experience at a label or a graduate scheme after I finish. I know its a long shot but I can't sit back anymore and just be happy with what I've got. I was meant for great things and I'm got going to spend my life working for some crappy company because its easy, I want to see a bit of the world and experience new things. Its time I started living!

All I want for Christmas (hahaha) is an amazing job with equally amazing people! It's scary to think that I left school nine years ago and that this time nine years ago I was embarking on would become quite an obsession of mine...the film industry.

Why won't it leave me alone. I've had lots of months to process my future but I turn 26 soon, its not like I'm a entry type person. I love my life (most of the time) but sometimes I just wish I could go back, start again and go to university in London and study film. I know its stupid to say that now but I watch my favourite programmes (currently One Tree Hill) and I think to myself this could be my dream, this could be me standing on a rainy set doing what I'd always dreamed.

I had the chance you know. Back in February I had a phone call that would ultimately change my life! I got offered work experience for 4 weeks with the BBC. I was due to spend the month of May working on The Dragons Den and I was sooooo excited by alas it was not meant to be as I couldn't afford the four weeks off work and I have since applied again and been rejected. I guess it I believed in God that he would be shaking his head at me 'I gave you the chance, I really did!' I can't help but think that it could have opened so many doors, even small windows would have maybe led to a full time staff job somewhere else. I have obviously applied for the 3rd time and I am hoping that it might not be for as long as four weeks. I want to do it!

I feel like screaming! 'Please, just give me this...this one moment!'

I spend far to much time moaning about what I don't have but I can't forget that dream I had even before Alana was born, before I even knew that she was a girl. I was barely pregnant when I dreamt that I got a job with Warner Bros. All the major cast of Harry Potter were doing a read through and I was called in to stand in as one of the characters (can't remember which). They were taking a break and Emma (Watson) asked to see a picture of my daughter and out popped Alana. She's nearly two I explain and from that moment I've felt it. I've felt that unless I take this chance in years to come I will be telling my children what I could of down rather than what I DID do and there is a big difference.

I wonder if I'm the only person right now wishing/praying that I could be given a chance. I want it soooo badly that I'm almost obsessed with it.

I've been to the studios you know, I went for an admin role at 'Birds and Animals' which is located on the set. I was shaking most of the drive and I had to sit in the security office waiting for my pass with a woman from Warner Bros and her daughter and girls appearing for work experience. I wanted to scream 'what about me'.

It was being filmed when I was there and I loved that feeling. I could see the building and I couldn't stop the butterflies, the feeling was crippling. Obviously they felt I wasn't experience enough so I didn't get the job but I suppose these things happen for a reason. I was watching 'In the pursuit of happiness' a few days ago and at the end when he gets the job he's overcome with emotion because he's achieved so much. That is how I'd feel. I don't think Nick could ever understand how that feels to struggle for so long and then finally be THAT person. He says he does but I think he hasn't wanted anything that bad since Alana.

My contract runs out in February and by then I would like a more permanent role by then. I think it will be time to move on and see a bit more of the world while England at least (hehehe).

I had a dream last night that has thrown my whole future plans into total manic mayhem. There I was minding my own business when I was invited to my friends house for dinner, I sit next to this girl who chats away to me about how excited she is about life etc and I smile and realise that after ten years I'm really not happy. I ask what she does and she says she works for the Harry Potter film at that moment my jaw drops, total hatred towards her (lol, only joking) and she sees the look on my face of complete and utter horror and laughs. Before I reply that she has the best job in the world, she smiles and passes me a card with her mobile number on it. The next thing I knew, I'm standing in an office with a nice folder, shaking like a leaf and staring at my C.V and as I walk through the door, I'm almost in tears because I'm sooooo scared and then the girls there again and she smiles happily and introduces me to David Heyman, I swear I thought I was going to be sick! (hahaha). We have a little chat and he tells me to wait outside. He then sends the girl out, her names Cassie, I find out and she grins, laughs and hugs me as she tells me that they are extremely please with me and are offering me a job. I burst into tears, like a wet weekend in Bognor and the next thing I know I'm standing in a freezing cold studio holding a clipboard and watching half the cast appear on set right in front of my eyes and then nick woke me up!

It felt sooooo real, all the feelings all the emotions. It was like it was actually happening to me but now I am sadly depressed and wishing that for the sake of my own sanity that Becky should call me to such event so I might happen to meet some attractive assistant called Cassie who just happens to see something in me that know once else can! The end of this hugely long moan is that even though I thought I was happy (yet again) giving up on the whole film career, well really I'm not and if anything not getting it could make me an extremely miserable and recentful 35 year old! I can see my head stone now!

'Here lies Gemma Cantan, devoteful wife, mother and grandmother! If only she'd got the guts to get off her arse and make herself happy, maybe she would not have died hanging a picture on the wall of her stairs'

That's actually quite poetic! lol. God I have gone on a bit haven't I! hahahaha. But then you know me, I don't keep anything simple...thats just not how I work!

Not much has happened since my last post. I guess with being pregnant applying for that all important first runner job is kind of pointless at present. That doesn't mean I haven't been trying. I've spoken to a few people, I've sent letters and still the same rejects keeping piling up either in my inbox or on my doormat. I wouldn't normally mind but when you actually speak to some one at the company and they tell you to forward them your C.V. It makes you get excited only to then receive a letter or email from someone further down the line who has been passed my information and they always say the same 'we will keep you on file and wish you luck with your search' I wouldn't mind but I've actually spent time on the phone discussing things with people in different departments and I'm left hopeful that something might come out of it only three days later to receive a letter saying thanks but no thanks.

I'm wondering whether I'm destined for such trauma. If this is the problem I'm having securing my first job at the end of the year then I don't hold up much up of getting a second or even a third. I know when they say we'll keep you on file, that usually means the bin or some deep dark hole in the production office. I've tried for two years to be taken seriously by one company and I have some amazing responses only to get to a different department and get told they aren't filming until later in the year. I know this...hence the fact I've been told to get in contact now.

Alas, after three rejections from the same company from three different people I think its time to let my dream die a slow and not so painful death. I mean the worse thing would be actually getting an interview, falling in love with the job and then getting rejected. God, my life would be destroyed! hahaha. It is obviously not meant to be and I hope my husband realises what its probably doing to me.

As for other career aims...I guess I'll see what the end of the year brings. I should have more freedom after October to make my next big decision.

I went to the Media Information Day in London, dragged my friend Hannah along for the experience and just in case it was soooo boring that we wanted to dive into London (which we did). But I was surprised by the variety of cultures, ages, gender and attitudes. I was half expecting 30,000 film geeks, obviously there were a few. But I was surprised to note that it was mostly girls (we rock). I was pleased to feel that I wasn't the only film geek in the building and that girls don't just want to be journalists. Hannah was completely taken in by it and I think she got more out of it than I did not because I didn't want to but because I knew most of it through research and college. I did find that I was maybe five years too late with regard to most of it as I think it was aimed at mostly 18 year olds deciding about uni but it was worth the risk and Hannah and I had a blast in London after getting lost on the train but one thing I would say. There are people who are there to help...and they have been there. I did come out having more of an idea that maybe I am destined to be a Producer after all whether it be for television or film. Even if I did turn my nose up at the beginning towards television. I know now its the experience that counts not the projects.

After that amazing email. I decided to send my C.V to a pile of employers in the hope of catching their attention. I did that and got offered my first role in the media. Its only a shame that I can't take it for the money. The money was good but the hours were bad so it just wasn't worthwhile struggling to pay our mortgage. I'm sure something else will come up next year and at least I know I have it in me.

I woke up in a bad mood this morning. Work was slow and hasn't really improved but oh my god! I was shaking when I read my first email of the morning. Its not everyday that you get an almost life changing email. I won't tell you the details as it probably won't happen anyway but I think the personal note made it extra special.

"On a personal note I would just like to re-assure you that your CV and cover letter are both very good and are of the type that we look out for, so thank you for sending it through to us"

Now you can see why I was shaking. It's like things are really starting to happen. Obviously nothing will happen but the fact that I only sent my CV on Thursday and I got a reply this morning. That's less than a week. I was thinking of ringing him and saying thanks for replying so soon. I mean it can't hurt! There are no body parts that I wouldn't sell for the chance to do what I love! I still haven't returned to the ground yet! The best thing I ever did was re-write my CV and finally get a good cover letter! It took me three weeks to write and another week to send it but its the best decision I ever made...what this space!

It has come to my attention like many people before me and those struggling behind me that somewhere along the line we are all looking for the same thing. What that is I do not know but we all want to secure our first job in the media industry. Whether it be as runners, journalists, DJ's. We all need that ever important break.

I have decided to blog everything from this moment forward in an attempt that one day I can help other people like me who have struggled. It will of course contain info, documents and the occasional rant about the industry in general.

I hope to one day publish this as a journal...it is unfortunate that they never tell you while studying how crap life can be. Lecturers lie to you...'Oh, yeah the industries hard but all your hard work will pay off' I unfortunately was led down the wrong path and have been struggling ever since...