All I want for Christmas (hahaha) is an amazing job with equally amazing people! It's scary to think that I left school nine years ago and that this time nine years ago I was embarking on would become quite an obsession of mine...the film industry.

Why won't it leave me alone. I've had lots of months to process my future but I turn 26 soon, its not like I'm a entry type person. I love my life (most of the time) but sometimes I just wish I could go back, start again and go to university in London and study film. I know its stupid to say that now but I watch my favourite programmes (currently One Tree Hill) and I think to myself this could be my dream, this could be me standing on a rainy set doing what I'd always dreamed.

I had the chance you know. Back in February I had a phone call that would ultimately change my life! I got offered work experience for 4 weeks with the BBC. I was due to spend the month of May working on The Dragons Den and I was sooooo excited by alas it was not meant to be as I couldn't afford the four weeks off work and I have since applied again and been rejected. I guess it I believed in God that he would be shaking his head at me 'I gave you the chance, I really did!' I can't help but think that it could have opened so many doors, even small windows would have maybe led to a full time staff job somewhere else. I have obviously applied for the 3rd time and I am hoping that it might not be for as long as four weeks. I want to do it!

I feel like screaming! 'Please, just give me this...this one moment!'

I spend far to much time moaning about what I don't have but I can't forget that dream I had even before Alana was born, before I even knew that she was a girl. I was barely pregnant when I dreamt that I got a job with Warner Bros. All the major cast of Harry Potter were doing a read through and I was called in to stand in as one of the characters (can't remember which). They were taking a break and Emma (Watson) asked to see a picture of my daughter and out popped Alana. She's nearly two I explain and from that moment I've felt it. I've felt that unless I take this chance in years to come I will be telling my children what I could of down rather than what I DID do and there is a big difference.

I wonder if I'm the only person right now wishing/praying that I could be given a chance. I want it soooo badly that I'm almost obsessed with it.

I've been to the studios you know, I went for an admin role at 'Birds and Animals' which is located on the set. I was shaking most of the drive and I had to sit in the security office waiting for my pass with a woman from Warner Bros and her daughter and girls appearing for work experience. I wanted to scream 'what about me'.

It was being filmed when I was there and I loved that feeling. I could see the building and I couldn't stop the butterflies, the feeling was crippling. Obviously they felt I wasn't experience enough so I didn't get the job but I suppose these things happen for a reason. I was watching 'In the pursuit of happiness' a few days ago and at the end when he gets the job he's overcome with emotion because he's achieved so much. That is how I'd feel. I don't think Nick could ever understand how that feels to struggle for so long and then finally be THAT person. He says he does but I think he hasn't wanted anything that bad since Alana.

My contract runs out in February and by then I would like a more permanent role by then. I think it will be time to move on and see a bit more of the world while England at least (hehehe).