All I want for Christmas (hahaha) is an amazing job with equally amazing people! It's scary to think that I left school nine years ago and that this time nine years ago I was embarking on would become quite an obsession of mine...the film industry.

Why won't it leave me alone. I've had lots of months to process my future but I turn 26 soon, its not like I'm a entry type person. I love my life (most of the time) but sometimes I just wish I could go back, start again and go to university in London and study film. I know its stupid to say that now but I watch my favourite programmes (currently One Tree Hill) and I think to myself this could be my dream, this could be me standing on a rainy set doing what I'd always dreamed.

I had the chance you know. Back in February I had a phone call that would ultimately change my life! I got offered work experience for 4 weeks with the BBC. I was due to spend the month of May working on The Dragons Den and I was sooooo excited by alas it was not meant to be as I couldn't afford the four weeks off work and I have since applied again and been rejected. I guess it I believed in God that he would be shaking his head at me 'I gave you the chance, I really did!' I can't help but think that it could have opened so many doors, even small windows would have maybe led to a full time staff job somewhere else. I have obviously applied for the 3rd time and I am hoping that it might not be for as long as four weeks. I want to do it!

I feel like screaming! 'Please, just give me this...this one moment!'

I spend far to much time moaning about what I don't have but I can't forget that dream I had even before Alana was born, before I even knew that she was a girl. I was barely pregnant when I dreamt that I got a job with Warner Bros. All the major cast of Harry Potter were doing a read through and I was called in to stand in as one of the characters (can't remember which). They were taking a break and Emma (Watson) asked to see a picture of my daughter and out popped Alana. She's nearly two I explain and from that moment I've felt it. I've felt that unless I take this chance in years to come I will be telling my children what I could of down rather than what I DID do and there is a big difference.

I wonder if I'm the only person right now wishing/praying that I could be given a chance. I want it soooo badly that I'm almost obsessed with it.

I've been to the studios you know, I went for an admin role at 'Birds and Animals' which is located on the set. I was shaking most of the drive and I had to sit in the security office waiting for my pass with a woman from Warner Bros and her daughter and girls appearing for work experience. I wanted to scream 'what about me'.

It was being filmed when I was there and I loved that feeling. I could see the building and I couldn't stop the butterflies, the feeling was crippling. Obviously they felt I wasn't experience enough so I didn't get the job but I suppose these things happen for a reason. I was watching 'In the pursuit of happiness' a few days ago and at the end when he gets the job he's overcome with emotion because he's achieved so much. That is how I'd feel. I don't think Nick could ever understand how that feels to struggle for so long and then finally be THAT person. He says he does but I think he hasn't wanted anything that bad since Alana.

My contract runs out in February and by then I would like a more permanent role by then. I think it will be time to move on and see a bit more of the world while England at least (hehehe).

I had a dream last night that has thrown my whole future plans into total manic mayhem. There I was minding my own business when I was invited to my friends house for dinner, I sit next to this girl who chats away to me about how excited she is about life etc and I smile and realise that after ten years I'm really not happy. I ask what she does and she says she works for the Harry Potter film at that moment my jaw drops, total hatred towards her (lol, only joking) and she sees the look on my face of complete and utter horror and laughs. Before I reply that she has the best job in the world, she smiles and passes me a card with her mobile number on it. The next thing I knew, I'm standing in an office with a nice folder, shaking like a leaf and staring at my C.V and as I walk through the door, I'm almost in tears because I'm sooooo scared and then the girls there again and she smiles happily and introduces me to David Heyman, I swear I thought I was going to be sick! (hahaha). We have a little chat and he tells me to wait outside. He then sends the girl out, her names Cassie, I find out and she grins, laughs and hugs me as she tells me that they are extremely please with me and are offering me a job. I burst into tears, like a wet weekend in Bognor and the next thing I know I'm standing in a freezing cold studio holding a clipboard and watching half the cast appear on set right in front of my eyes and then nick woke me up!

It felt sooooo real, all the feelings all the emotions. It was like it was actually happening to me but now I am sadly depressed and wishing that for the sake of my own sanity that Becky should call me to such event so I might happen to meet some attractive assistant called Cassie who just happens to see something in me that know once else can! The end of this hugely long moan is that even though I thought I was happy (yet again) giving up on the whole film career, well really I'm not and if anything not getting it could make me an extremely miserable and recentful 35 year old! I can see my head stone now!

'Here lies Gemma Cantan, devoteful wife, mother and grandmother! If only she'd got the guts to get off her arse and make herself happy, maybe she would not have died hanging a picture on the wall of her stairs'

That's actually quite poetic! lol. God I have gone on a bit haven't I! hahahaha. But then you know me, I don't keep anything simple...thats just not how I work!

Not much has happened since my last post. I guess with being pregnant applying for that all important first runner job is kind of pointless at present. That doesn't mean I haven't been trying. I've spoken to a few people, I've sent letters and still the same rejects keeping piling up either in my inbox or on my doormat. I wouldn't normally mind but when you actually speak to some one at the company and they tell you to forward them your C.V. It makes you get excited only to then receive a letter or email from someone further down the line who has been passed my information and they always say the same 'we will keep you on file and wish you luck with your search' I wouldn't mind but I've actually spent time on the phone discussing things with people in different departments and I'm left hopeful that something might come out of it only three days later to receive a letter saying thanks but no thanks.

I'm wondering whether I'm destined for such trauma. If this is the problem I'm having securing my first job at the end of the year then I don't hold up much up of getting a second or even a third. I know when they say we'll keep you on file, that usually means the bin or some deep dark hole in the production office. I've tried for two years to be taken seriously by one company and I have some amazing responses only to get to a different department and get told they aren't filming until later in the year. I know this...hence the fact I've been told to get in contact now.

Alas, after three rejections from the same company from three different people I think its time to let my dream die a slow and not so painful death. I mean the worse thing would be actually getting an interview, falling in love with the job and then getting rejected. God, my life would be destroyed! hahaha. It is obviously not meant to be and I hope my husband realises what its probably doing to me.

As for other career aims...I guess I'll see what the end of the year brings. I should have more freedom after October to make my next big decision.

I went to the Media Information Day in London, dragged my friend Hannah along for the experience and just in case it was soooo boring that we wanted to dive into London (which we did). But I was surprised by the variety of cultures, ages, gender and attitudes. I was half expecting 30,000 film geeks, obviously there were a few. But I was surprised to note that it was mostly girls (we rock). I was pleased to feel that I wasn't the only film geek in the building and that girls don't just want to be journalists. Hannah was completely taken in by it and I think she got more out of it than I did not because I didn't want to but because I knew most of it through research and college. I did find that I was maybe five years too late with regard to most of it as I think it was aimed at mostly 18 year olds deciding about uni but it was worth the risk and Hannah and I had a blast in London after getting lost on the train but one thing I would say. There are people who are there to help...and they have been there. I did come out having more of an idea that maybe I am destined to be a Producer after all whether it be for television or film. Even if I did turn my nose up at the beginning towards television. I know now its the experience that counts not the projects.

After that amazing email. I decided to send my C.V to a pile of employers in the hope of catching their attention. I did that and got offered my first role in the media. Its only a shame that I can't take it for the money. The money was good but the hours were bad so it just wasn't worthwhile struggling to pay our mortgage. I'm sure something else will come up next year and at least I know I have it in me.

I woke up in a bad mood this morning. Work was slow and hasn't really improved but oh my god! I was shaking when I read my first email of the morning. Its not everyday that you get an almost life changing email. I won't tell you the details as it probably won't happen anyway but I think the personal note made it extra special.

"On a personal note I would just like to re-assure you that your CV and cover letter are both very good and are of the type that we look out for, so thank you for sending it through to us"

Now you can see why I was shaking. It's like things are really starting to happen. Obviously nothing will happen but the fact that I only sent my CV on Thursday and I got a reply this morning. That's less than a week. I was thinking of ringing him and saying thanks for replying so soon. I mean it can't hurt! There are no body parts that I wouldn't sell for the chance to do what I love! I still haven't returned to the ground yet! The best thing I ever did was re-write my CV and finally get a good cover letter! It took me three weeks to write and another week to send it but its the best decision I ever made...what this space!

It has come to my attention like many people before me and those struggling behind me that somewhere along the line we are all looking for the same thing. What that is I do not know but we all want to secure our first job in the media industry. Whether it be as runners, journalists, DJ's. We all need that ever important break.

I have decided to blog everything from this moment forward in an attempt that one day I can help other people like me who have struggled. It will of course contain info, documents and the occasional rant about the industry in general.

I hope to one day publish this as a journal...it is unfortunate that they never tell you while studying how crap life can be. Lecturers lie to you...'Oh, yeah the industries hard but all your hard work will pay off' I unfortunately was led down the wrong path and have been struggling ever since...