I had a dream last night that has thrown my whole future plans into total manic mayhem. There I was minding my own business when I was invited to my friends house for dinner, I sit next to this girl who chats away to me about how excited she is about life etc and I smile and realise that after ten years I'm really not happy. I ask what she does and she says she works for the Harry Potter film at that moment my jaw drops, total hatred towards her (lol, only joking) and she sees the look on my face of complete and utter horror and laughs. Before I reply that she has the best job in the world, she smiles and passes me a card with her mobile number on it. The next thing I knew, I'm standing in an office with a nice folder, shaking like a leaf and staring at my C.V and as I walk through the door, I'm almost in tears because I'm sooooo scared and then the girls there again and she smiles happily and introduces me to David Heyman, I swear I thought I was going to be sick! (hahaha). We have a little chat and he tells me to wait outside. He then sends the girl out, her names Cassie, I find out and she grins, laughs and hugs me as she tells me that they are extremely please with me and are offering me a job. I burst into tears, like a wet weekend in Bognor and the next thing I know I'm standing in a freezing cold studio holding a clipboard and watching half the cast appear on set right in front of my eyes and then nick woke me up!

It felt sooooo real, all the feelings all the emotions. It was like it was actually happening to me but now I am sadly depressed and wishing that for the sake of my own sanity that Becky should call me to such event so I might happen to meet some attractive assistant called Cassie who just happens to see something in me that know once else can! The end of this hugely long moan is that even though I thought I was happy (yet again) giving up on the whole film career, well really I'm not and if anything not getting it could make me an extremely miserable and recentful 35 year old! I can see my head stone now!

'Here lies Gemma Cantan, devoteful wife, mother and grandmother! If only she'd got the guts to get off her arse and make herself happy, maybe she would not have died hanging a picture on the wall of her stairs'

That's actually quite poetic! lol. God I have gone on a bit haven't I! hahahaha. But then you know me, I don't keep anything simple...thats just not how I work!

Not much has happened since my last post. I guess with being pregnant applying for that all important first runner job is kind of pointless at present. That doesn't mean I haven't been trying. I've spoken to a few people, I've sent letters and still the same rejects keeping piling up either in my inbox or on my doormat. I wouldn't normally mind but when you actually speak to some one at the company and they tell you to forward them your C.V. It makes you get excited only to then receive a letter or email from someone further down the line who has been passed my information and they always say the same 'we will keep you on file and wish you luck with your search' I wouldn't mind but I've actually spent time on the phone discussing things with people in different departments and I'm left hopeful that something might come out of it only three days later to receive a letter saying thanks but no thanks.

I'm wondering whether I'm destined for such trauma. If this is the problem I'm having securing my first job at the end of the year then I don't hold up much up of getting a second or even a third. I know when they say we'll keep you on file, that usually means the bin or some deep dark hole in the production office. I've tried for two years to be taken seriously by one company and I have some amazing responses only to get to a different department and get told they aren't filming until later in the year. I know this...hence the fact I've been told to get in contact now.

Alas, after three rejections from the same company from three different people I think its time to let my dream die a slow and not so painful death. I mean the worse thing would be actually getting an interview, falling in love with the job and then getting rejected. God, my life would be destroyed! hahaha. It is obviously not meant to be and I hope my husband realises what its probably doing to me.

As for other career aims...I guess I'll see what the end of the year brings. I should have more freedom after October to make my next big decision.